Unlike regular people who rarely care about philosophy, their carbon footprint, saving the planet, colonizing Mars, and naming their children after spy planes, Teslites and Muskians struggle to co-exist with non-Teslites and non-Muskians. In fact, research (citation non-existent) has shown that Tesla owners are 90% less likely to find love than any other earthlings. It’s a problem that’s plagued these poor souls for years.
— Kim Paquette ? (@kimpaquette) August 13, 2020 But it doesn’t have to be this way. This is where Tesla Dating comes into play. The self-described “dating app for Tesla owners” aims to help Teslites and Muskians finally find the electrifying love they deserve — “because you can’t spell love without EV.”
“I saw a pattern where people who bought into Tesla really embraced it, to the point where being a Tesla owner became a big part of their identity,” Tesla Dating founder Ajitpal Grewal told me. “They share a lot of the same values, like wanting to reduce their impact on the environment and appreciating high tech — and, of course, stanning Elon Musk.” “But what stops someone from falsely claiming to own a Tesla vehicle so they can plug their parasitic claws into my unlimited source of love energy, also known as the human heart,” you might be thinking. Tesla Dating has got you covered. Everyone must prove their Tesla ownership before they can sign up for the service. Good luck convincing Tinder or Bumble to implement this feature (they probably would if they had the engineering talent to invent it, which they clearly don’t). Some narrow-minded humans might lambaste Tesla Dating for its exclusive criteria, but if there are dating apps for cheaters, swingers, other singles on the same flight, sapiosexuals, and even furries, why not have one for Musk worshippers, too? So if you’re tired of worrying whether your booty call might be wheeling to your place on diesel (which is the ultimate turn-off), ditch Tinder and get on Tesla Dating right now. You deserve to be loved the way you want to be loved, you gorgeous Musk bootlicker. PS: If you didn’t pick up on it by now, the site is a piece of satire (and so is this piece). But… it might turn into reality. “At the moment I’m just seeing where this goes,” Tesla Dating’s Grewal told me. “If there’s enough demand, I might actually put out the app.” God (also known as Elon Musk on Mars where I’m based), please make it happen.
